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We know the truth, lady.

- Farm lady: "Now what are these pink things on her udder that the milk comes out of?"
- All my kids, roaring: "TITTIES!"
- Farm lady: "No, not titties..."
- Kids: "BOOOOOBS!"

Can you be both?

- Me: "Alright people, let's go."
- Boy: "Are we people??"
- Me: "Yes."
- Boy, with wonder and awe: "Oh! I thought I'm only a Tongan."

Flexible

- Boy, twisting bits of his face: "Miss, I can turn my nose around. And then my eyes fart!"

Whose mouth? That's what I want to know

- Girl: "Miss? My auntie smokes. But not those from-the-dairy-smokes. It's other stuff. She smokes from a jar. Well it's kind of like a jar. And it makes your mouth go hot."

So did she or didn't she?

Boy: "Miss, she grabbed my balls!"
Girl: "No, just pants!"
Boy: "Because my balls are special. You can't grab them. I'm got Ironman balls."

I'd be a bit worried otherwise

- Boy, putting his arm around me: "Hi Miss."
- Boy, running away, milliseconds later: "Aargh, you guys, she is really warm!!"

Did she!

- Me: "Oh, I like your haircut! You look styley."
- Boy: "It's cos of the kutus, there were heaps. Mums and dads and babies and everything. My mum murder them."

Subjective

Girl: "Miss, Matthew's showing everyone his tits!"
Boy: "But you got pretty tits, Matthew."

Witch feet

‎"Miss, you got lines on your feet. Maybe witch feet. Maybe not."

Yes but WHAT

Me: "And make sure you make all the letters with tails go riiiight under the line as you write."
Boy: "Like when you're writing G-A-Y!"
Me: "What??"
Boy: "If your brother knows a faggot. You spell it g-a-y."

Un-PC as.

- Boy, leaning close to girl's face, yelling about himself in the third person: "Stop looking at him! STOP LOOKING AT HIM!! His eyes will eskimo you!"

Cutting!!

‎- Girl: "Miss! He pulled my hair."
- Boy: (guiltily pointing at Boy2) "No! It was... him, he did it."
- Boy2: (angrily) "You dick. You got a dirty house. Dirty mum."

Honesty is awesome.

- "Miss, I tried to write my sentence but my brains is dusty. I could only write the date and then distract Junior."

Should but might not!

- "Miss, Junior punched me in the nose!"
- "What?"
- "Yeah! With his lunchbox! Right in the fuckin nose, Miss. You should get someone big and fat to smash him."

OK.

‎"Miss, I'm half nice, half evil, ok?"

She was listening too.

- Boy: "Ooo, he said the F word!"
- Boy2: "I did not."
- Boy: "Oh, you fucking did so!"
- Girl: "Fuck up, you dicks, the teacher's looking."

Even tougher than an earwig??

- Boy: "My dad's the toughest. He would smash that grasshopper! And even the one, the one with the pinch thing, the earwig. He's TOUGH."

You reckon?

‎- Boy: "Drunk!" My dad's drunk. He's drunk all the time. He drinks AND smokes! What a loser."

Quite right, quite right

- Boy: "Is there earthquakes on the moon?"
- Girl: "Do you reckon?"
- Boy: "I think yes. No Christchurch there though."

Not yet?

- Girl: "Miss, I feel like a boy on the inside."
- Boy, kindly: "You're a boy on the inside. And a girl on the outside. But you don't got a penis. (Pause) ...Aw, do you got a penis??"

He does.

- Me: "Hmm, who knows that weather man's name? That's it - Tamati Coffey!"
- Boy: "Oh! He's that faggot! ...I like him, he's got a nice shirt, miss."

I'm so glad you think so.

‎- "I like you, Miss, because you're kind to me, like my mum and dad. But my dad's a cock sometimes. But only sometimes. YOU'RE not a cock, Miss."

!

‎- Innocent pretty little boy, to his teacher (not me): "Fuck up bumfluff."

Friends. I gots them

- "Do you got friends, Miss? My brother's got a dirty friend. We say diddle pants."

Oh, no thank you.

‎- Girl: (Rubbing my tummy) "Aww, Miss. Are you going to have a baby?"
- Me: "No, that's just my normal puku."
- Girl: "I'll put one baby in there for you if you want, Miss."
- Me: "Oh yeah? How would you do that?"
- Girl: "With my dad's thingy."

I'm glad!

- Boy1: "Miss, look at his boobs! They're itchy as. I scratch them for him!"
- Boy2: "Miss, it feels so fine!"

...

- Boy outside: "Damn fool!"
- Me, inside: "Who said that, was that [Junior]??"
- Girl: "Yep. What a ho."

Wow, I.... wow.

- Me, re earthquake: "And the ground went shake, shake, shake, back and forth! And lots of buildings got ruined."
- Girl: "God busted the palagi buildings."
- Boy: "GOD went shake shake shake. Shake... shakin' that ass!"

Clegg ones.

- Me: "What words can you think of that begin with CL?"
- Boy: "Egg farts! Haha egg farts! Hey everyone, egg farts! Haha! Egg fa... Oh, CL...CL... Sorry Miss."

Just as bloody well.

"Miss, I was THIS close to being in time out but then I pretended to be good."

Bummy!

- "Miss, she hit my bum!"
- "Who did?"
- "Her. I don't know her name. Smell her hand Miss, if it's bummy it was her!"

Definitely not actually

‎- Me: (sniffing) "Who's that wearing deodorant spray stuff? Oh is that you??"
- Boy: "It's me! I did it on me! It's gonna get me heaps of pussy."
- Me: "What, who said that to you??"
- Boy: "Aw, well YOU liked it didn't you Miss?"

Depends what kind of lemonade I suppose.

- Girl: "My mum was drunk, she drank. She's STILL drunk! She said she's gonna be drunk at work. She's drinking now. Lemonade and vodka, Miss. I had some. It was yuck but only a little bit yum."

Oh did you? Oh OK.

‎- Girl, quite self-importantly: "Miss, when I was a little baby I put my jumper up my bum."

It almost NEVER is.

- Me: " Just read it carefully at your own pace. It's not a race."
- Boy, accusingly, to other boy: "Yeah, it's not always Steve McQueen."

Oh it's the BABY doing them!!

‎- Girl: "Miss? My mum's got a baby in her tummy. And it's the BABY that does all those farts!"

Just a little uncertain at the end there eh.

- Me: ‎(While introducing a book called 'Did you say Fire?') "What can you tell me about fire?"

- Boy: "Um, maybe a boy got his dad's yellow lighter and tried to set fire to the paper wall and then it was on fire and he didn't know what to do, and, and then maybe his dad gave him a MASSIVE AS smack and it REALLY really hurt. [pause] ...Maybe."

Oh, was she? Cool.

- Boy: "On the weekend, my dad got under arrest, cos he smashed my mum. Oh and my Nana was there too, and she was eating heaps of bread."

A reliever doesn't know!

- Girl, whispering: "Miss? That reliever yesterday. She did it all WRONG. She did maths THEN writing. And she did writing wrong. She did it ALL wrong. We said You Did It Wrong to her. And she said Be Quiet to us, Miss. A reliever doesn't know."

Still no.

I was away from school, unwell. I went in to get my planning stuff and as I was leaving again...
- Boy: "Miss! Wait! Can I come in your home?"
I laughed.
- Boy (desperately): "...On the bus!! And see your mum and dad. We can play, Miss!! Or do maths!!!"

In a reedy little voice

‎"Miss? My baby brother's so cute, Miss. I like him. He's really soft. But he scratched me on the fucking hand but I said That's OK to him."

The poor guy

- Me: "What part of Dad did they bury in the sand?"
- Girl: "His feet!"
- Me: "Yes!... and what do you think this word 'bury' might mean?"
- Boy: "He goes in the box and then you drop him in the ground and he has to hold his breath forever!!"

That's awful news

- Boy, cheerfully: "Miss?! I... I.... um, I.... I.... I forgot! ...OH YEAH, I lost my fleas, Miss! Lost them."

Name changed of course

- Confused, slightly outraged-looking girl: - "Miss? That boy Junior Vilisoni* - well, he knows MY name but I don't know his!"

And he nodded, his face so serious.

‎- Me: "Why do you think she wouldn't she go to the beach alone?"
- Girl: "Cos she might go there and get lost and the bullies find her and she get stab. Like his mum (points)."

Well they ARE in uniform

- Me: "OK, everybody on the mat, let's go."
- Boy: "SIR YES SIR!!!"

- Me: "Dream... drrream. What other words do you think start with that sound? Dr... dr..."
- Boy: "Drrr... drink and drive!"
- Girl: "Drr... drugs!"
- Boy 2: "Drrracula eat my sister's face off!"

Noooo

"Miss? When I'm at home, I miss you! You can be a puppy, I'm going to take you home and keep you under my bed. And I'll sing Justin Bieber songs to you."

I definitely agree on this one.

- Boy: "Miss, he said I have sex!"
- Boy 2: "NO! I said sex has sex. You're not sexy."

You wish, kid.

I'm cutting out eyes from black paper for shapes-bee collages they're making.

- Me: "Who else wants one of these?"
- Boy: "Can I have a black eye?"
- Boy 2: "Oh can I have two black eyes?"
- Girl: "PUNCH ME IN MY EYES, MISS!"

And no, I don't know why they love to wear my shoes.

- Me: "OK, take my shoes off and give them here, please."
- Boy: "Take her fuckin SHOES off! You're a egg, hurry up, she's gonna be angry!"

Safe, effective contraception

It's a rainy lunchtime; I'm supervising two classes. I'm in the room next door when one of my (outraged) students comes to the adjoining door to tell on someone and barks, "MUM!" Then his face falls and he darts away to hide, while both classes erupt into laughter and all crowd up to me yelling, "Mum! Muuuum, Mum Mum Mum!"

Well it's a done thing by this stage

- Me: "OK, Let's get this place tidy!"
- Boy (sings and dances): "Let's have a party-y-y!"
- 3 other boys (shouting and joining him in a mini congo line): "LET'S HAVE A PARTY-Y-Y!!"
(Congo line of now about 9 popping & locking kids goes around the edge of the class)

Good to finally know.

I get out the art mat.

- Boy: "Oh pew, it stinks, Miss!"
- Me: "What does it smell like?"
- Boy (pauses) - "It smells like God."
- Me: "Well, what does God smell like?"
- Another boy, matter-of-factly: "Chips.

Pfft. Call that an arse? Puny mortal

- Boy: "Are you doing that for us, Miss?"
- Girl: "No, she's doing it for US, not you."
- Boy: "She's doing it for us. For ARSE. Arseholes! For arsssse. Haha, look, it's my arse, Miss."

Same girl, same crap home life

- "Miss, you know that soft little puppy my uncle had? He died, cos someone cut him neck and body. So he's under the dirt now and that's why Mummy said that's fucked up."

- Girl: "Miss, our Daddy is naughty, he stole our money so Mum growled at him but he didn't give it back so we have to look for our money now or get some more. Maybe you should come to our house and growl at him, Miss! He would give it back if you growled."

I'd be indignant too.

- Kid, explaining about flies: "And then cos they run around on poos and all that, they get dog's poo on their feet and walk on your dinner and then you say "get out you gross fly" and you hit your dinner and then your mum hits you."

Small, sometimes annoying, spineless?

- Me: "Who knows an insect? What's YOUR favourite insect?"
- Boy: "Justin Bieber!"
- Me: "Um, well, Justin Bieber isn't technically an insect. How about YOU, what insect do you like?"
- Girl, matter-of-factly: "Justin Bieber."

I... guess she's right

- "OK, so why do YOU reckon I brought you all back inside?"
- "Cos we were being bastard shits miss."

That's worth at least one raised eyebrow

- "Miss, he said sex my balls!!"
- "Aw, no, liar.... no... I said... I said sex... my balls... oh."

For what?

"Miss, I like sitting by you. Cos your skirt is a taniwha and your cardy is really way too long, Miss."

Them coconuts must be pretty big then eh.

- Me: "And right in the middle of the harakeke you can see --"
- Boy: "Coconuts! Massive, bigger than my balls even."

There is a short lull in postings. You see,

I've got school holidays at the moment. Thank goodness for school holidays. I don't think I could be a teacher without them.

See you back here from April 19th!

With who? The teacher?

- Me, making a deliberate mistake in our writing session: "Oops! What's missing??"
- Boy: "You fucked up, Miss! Oooh you're gonna be in trouble..."

Not just yet... please.

While we were doing some art, there was a promotional picture of Johnny Depp dressed up as the Mad Hatter on one of the pieces of newspaper covering the desks.

- Boy (grabbing black pastel and scribbling over the eyes): "Aargh! Kill the monster!"
- Me: "That's not a monster! That's Johnny Depp. Scary makeup though eh?"
- Boy: "Aargh! Kill Johnny Depp!"

Uh, much better thanks.

- Boy: "Fuck up, fatty!"
- Me: "Excuse ME! That kind of language is SO RUDE."
- Boy (slightly shamefacedly): "Aw sorry Miss... I meant big boy. [turns to other kid...] Fuck up, big boy!"

Following parental instructions fail

- "Miss? We got a stolen computer but we're not allowed to tell the teacher."

If you perform A, you must do B.

- Girl, holding hands with other girl: "Miss! We're getting MARRIED!"
- Me: "But you're only six years old, and she's only five!"
- Other girl: "Married. And then we can do a SEX!"

More clairvoyance

- Girl: "Miss? Your leg feels like you're going to the shops."

Well, in his defence, he DID just turn 6.

- Me: "Did you just wink at me?"
- Boy (smiles): "Miss, you're hot as."

He totes is

- Girl: "Miss? My brother says when he fuck his girlfriend pregnant he gonna take the baby an' murder it. He's a egg eh!"

Pre-emptive strike, or clairvoyance?

- Boy 1, proudly: "Miss! I said sorry to him." (points to Boy 2)
- Me, to Boy 2: "What'd he do to you?"
- Boy 2, puzzled: "Nothing."
- Boy 1: "Oh yeah, I forgot!" (Hits Boy 2)

Mwahaha indeed.

- Me (fed up & annoyed) to Boy 1: "KEEP YOUR HANDS OFF THIS THING!!!!"
- Other boy: "Mwahahaha!" (evil count dracula laugh)
- Other kids, delighted & joining in: "Mwahahaha!!"

He shrieked it

While I was on duty, walking around on the field covered in children, it started to rain.

- Boy: "Piss! It's god's piss! RUN!"

PROBABLY.

Today we started to read "The Bear Went Over the Mountain." We talked about it and tried to predict what might happen in the book before we started reading.

- Me: "The bear went over the mountain. Hmm. I wonder why the bear went over the mountain. What do you think?"
- Boy: "Oh, I know! PROBABLY to kill his parents."

Glad it's that and not the other

This kid was wincing and lifting his shirt to rub his spine.

- Boy: "My bone! Aaargh."
- Me: "What's wrong with your bone?"
- Boy: "My cousin gave me a boner on my back, Miss."
- Me: "A boner, eh... does it hurt?"
- Boy: "Miss he ALWAYS give me boners. I got one on my leg too." (Shows me a bruise on his shin)

Ffff

- Me: "What other ffffff words can you think of?"
- Boy: "Fffa... fffo...fff... oh, I know! The F word!"
- Me: "... OK, what OTHER words can you think of that start with ffff?"
- Boy, totally eager: "Fffuck! It does, miss! Fffffuck!"

Essentially, yes

- Girl 1: "Miss, you have tights on. So we can't see your bum, eh!"
- Girl 2: "AND fanny."

Unbearably honest

- Me, finding that someone has been mucking about: "Have you been wasting my time?"
Boy (nods): "And Matthew's!"

Nup

- "Miss, you're not allowed to punch a fish, eh?"

It was.

- Boy (to other boy): "Aw, you dickface, that is unacceptable behaviour."

Pipi, not muscle

- Boy, flexing arms: "Miss, look! I'm a gay man!"

Love that boney taste with added calcium

- Me: "Put your hand up if your very favourite fruit is apple!"
- Girl: "Oh Miss, I like shopping and oh pizza!"
- Me: "Just if you like apple."
- Boy: "Oh Miss, I drink bones! No... I mean juice!"

Maybe they think I traded my ears for the eyes I have in the back of my head

Conversation between three boys moving through the class at the start of lunchtime.

- "Look!"
- "Piss is coming!"
- "Yes!"
- "The water is coming out of the toilet."
- "Piss!"
- "Aw no!"
- "Yes! You don't know."
- "I'm telling!"

Good idea

During conversation with a girl hanging out in the classroom while I worked after school today she informed me that I am kind but sometimes I growl:

- Me: "Do you think you'd growl if you were in charge of our class too?"
- Girl: "Umm... I'm gonna have to have a think when I grow up."

Phew.

- Boy: "Miss? My mum and dad don't like fun. So they're not coming on the trip. But I'm coming. So don't worry."